The Simply Massive Dungeon Master Christmas Story 2006

[Gambit37]

This thread contains the story pieced together from all the postings. It's locked against further contributions:

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"Blargh! Damn and blast yer googley eyes, ya sweaty lizard!"

Stamm drunkenly swiped a hairy palm at the wide-eyed Hisssa, as he tried to scramble up the sheer damp wall for the fourth time. Far above him, against the dark O of the well down which they fallen, Gothmog peered down at the disoriented party. His dimly glowing eyes could just be seen in the dark.

"You bloody muppets!" he screeched in rage. Leaning over the side of the well, he tried to throw a handy stone at Stamm and barely managed to stop himself falling in. "You've got my tankard! I want it back!"

Hissa blinked stupidly at the blank visage above him. "Whaaaa you on abaaaht you sneaky black cowled bugger?"

"My tankard!" yelled Gothmog in return, "It's in your backpack. Give it here or I'll come down and chop off your tail!"

"Doesn't matter" grunted the immense lizard, "It'll only grown back".

Stamm tried once again the climb the wall and failed. He collapsed onto his haunches and fell back against the wall. Hisssa watched him groggily, the drunken antics of the Christmas Party beginning to come back to him. Looking around, he tried to make out who else had fallen down the well. Zed was unconscious in a heap of arms and legs while a form slowly tried to shuffle itself off his head. Hisssa realised the form was Chani. Her moonstone glinted in the light from the torch he had managed to light after the fall. "Nice moonstone" thought Hisssa appreciatively.

From far above Gothmog shouted down again, "I don't care how many times it grows back, scaly face, I'll keep cutting it off and feeding it to Edward, my pet duck. Now, climb out you stupid sods and give me my tankard back! Don't forget, we promised we'd go to Old Grey Lord's Vicars and Tarts Themed Christmas Meal tomorrow. He's promised to cook those ocelot spleens and rabbit's noses!"

Hissssa looked around. Food was the last thing on his mind. He needed to pee. He couldn't even begin to think how to get back out again. Maybe it would be OK if he just had a little doze...

Nabi, the prophet of science and reason, stirred slowly as a giant thought came to him, "We could build this...badger..."
"Enough with your stupid badger Idea you badger loving hermaphrodite!" Snapped Gando as he began searching for hand holds in the wells sidewalls.
<CLICK> "...Ohhh!" exclaimed Gando.
"I think I found something!" he said starting to dance around excitedly, "yes, it is...its' a DDR game... we shan't go bored now!"
Stamm was not impressed, and attempted to put his foot on the top of Gando's head to lift him up. But Gando was already dancing around frenetically, his eyes overloaded with joy over his discovery, so Stamm missed.

Daroou, who was awaiting his turn at DDR, caught Stamm's arm and prevented him from falling on Tiggy who was still pleasantly snoring. Due to Daroou's low intelligent quotient he just still couldnt work out how it was that so many of them fell down the well in the first place. Tiggy finally openend her eyes, looked around and exclaimed "Alright, whose fault was it THIS time?", eyeing Daroou suspiciously. Daroou had drunk a lot of alcohol it was true, but then he wasnt the one trying to pee into a bota.

"If you are going to piss about so am I!" said Gothmog belligerantly from above, "now gimme my bloody tankard!" Suddenly, Zed sprung from his drunken stupor and ran around waving his arms crazily in the air, shrieking "It's the war of the cockroaches and they SMELL!" Tiggy tried to pat Zed's arm reassuringly but he was moving so fast she had to move crazily to catch up with him, causing the DDR machine to declare her the winner and spit out the grand prize. "Wow!" she exclaimed as Zed continued to run in impossibly large circles around the floor of the tiny well. Zed stopped as he realised there was actually a large crack in the well wall they could explore, but Daroou threw a pee-soaked bota away in disgust and it knocked Zed unconscious before he could say anything. Tiggy meanwhile examined her prize, marvelling at it's long slender form, perfectly chiselled ridges and small cap switch that made it buzz when twisted.

"So that's where it was!", yelled Nabi, "that devilish machine stole my toy!" Nabi danced around happier than the winner of a DDR contest, "Why now I can finish my fiendish Vibrating Badger of Doom!" Zed looked at him, completely puzzled, and, with tears coming to his eyes, slowly said "But... but... you promised me you'd build the Vibrating Badger of Smelly-Cockroach-Eating!"

From above Gothmog looked down at the morass of madness and wondered if the only way to get his Ven Ra tankard back was to jump in feet first. Suddenly, as he peered into the moist gloom, the rotten old wall he was balanced on collapsed in a cloud of dust and mould, tumbling him down the slippery shaft into the chaos below. Wuuf the Biker, who witnessed the event in slo-mo, jumped off his Yamaha 500 and instead of trying to save poor old Gothmog, licked his testicles instead. From far below, an embarrased and disgusted Gothmog (who's fall had been broken by Syra's soft bosom), shouted back at Wuuf "Keep your incredibly long tongue to yourself, you smelly mongrel!"
"And keep your hands to yourself!" Shouted Syra, removing Gothmogs from her chest.

Wuuf ran to the well and looked down, but missed his footing and slipped on a large screamer kebab. Wuuf carried on a slippery path over the edge of the well, and Daroou now realised how everyone managed to get stuck here as he got a smelly biker in the face - "Eew, watch the B.O. Wuuf!" A jumbled heap in the corner suddenly moved and a somewhat dishevelled Iaido staggered to his feet, mumbling something that sounded like "Has anyone seen my sword?"
"Crack!" screamed a newly conscious Zed, suddenly startling everyone and causing Stamm to look lewdly at Chani's moonstone.

"Ah, here's your sword Iaido" said Gothmog, pulling a rather mangled falchion from beneath Chani's inert body... "Hey - you never told me you had a Vorpal blade".
"It was a gift from a hamster," said Iaido, smacking Nabi before Nabi could be asked if he had meant 'badger', "and..."
"...you're mistaken - it's not a vorpal blade, it's my Light Sabre, man!"

"Well in that case," said Stamm, "could you use your Jedi powers to ... smoke me a kipper as I'll be back for breakfast?" He patted his stomach as he spoke, licked his lips and farted a long honk of a foetid fart. "Vi Bro" croaked Gothmog desperately, but it was too late and he didn't have an empty flask in hand anyway.

Hisssa tried to ignore mentions of breakfast and gastric explosions as it reminded him he still needed to pee, and focused instead on the more important task of tempting Gothmog's pet duck down by shaking his own scrumptious tail.

Belying his earlier mania, Zed suddenly appeared coherent and forcefully shouted at the top of his voice "Everybody STOP what you're doing and LISTEN to ME!" Gothmog tripped up Zed from his prone position on the floor then thwacked him soundly on the head, saying "no one CARES about your bloody crack that could lead to us getting out of here, what we all SHOULD care about is me getting my BLOODY TANKARD!"

"Right, that does it you flimsy tart" replied Zed as he picked up a fallen jockstrap and began to whirl it about his head.

[Gambit37]

Halk thought better of mentioning to Zed that it was his jockstrap, given that they'd only fallen around his ankles when he was relieving himself, and he was still actually wearing them and being whirled by an obviously angry and strong duke. Eyes wide with alarm and distaste, Zed suddenly let go of the warm, moist jockstrap and watched in awe as a semi-naked barbarian went sailing through the crack in the wall.

A smell worse than skunk soaked in fermented badger piss issued from his newly soiled hand, which he tried in desperation to clean on Mophus' robe. Mophus didn't notice, as with a maniacal grin he was thrilled to hear what Leyla planned to do with her rope. Zed's action would have made Mophus a meena priest to be with, and would have charged the guy more for his healing skills in the future.

"Right!" said Zed, "if people don't start pulling together and acting sensibly to get us out of this mess, I'm going to run my hand on them then use Tiggy's toy!" A small whirring noise could then be heard in the background. "Badgers!" said Nabi dreamily in the background, nudging Chani and winking in conspiratorial delight.

Tiggy examined the crack in the well wall and said "I've hacked doors open, I've battered portcullises down but I've never tried vibrating a crack open before..."
"Nabi, that's no badgers!", yelled Zed, "it sounds more like cows, man! Out of here, quick!"
Tiggy acted quickly and rapidly fisted her recently won prize into the orifice and turned it on with a "<ZOOOOM>". The vibrations of the cylindrical device seemed to stimulate the crack somehow, it became larger and oozed a strange, sticky fluid from its walls. Elsewhere unnoticed, the ultrasonic vibrations created by the device passed through the crumbling walls and stirred a sleeping monster... "Wow," said Tiggy, "I never knew my dancing potato man prize had this sort of power - and hey, we've just struck oil!"

"We'll be filthy stinking rich!", Halk screamed excitedly from inside the wall, to which Zed, remembering the jockstrap, only replied "Filthy, yes, stinking, definitely, but rich?" Meanwhile Gothmog was getting annoyed, "Look, forget the oil, we need to get out and I've seen you lot try a dozen, two dozen, no three dozen bloody useless schemes- let's try my fantastic gambit 37"

"Oh yes, gambit 37!", smirked Leyla, gripping her rope, "I have bee waiting a long time for this..."
"....And the 37?" asked Chani, knowing that answer would arrive as some twised and contrived notion. "Look, it's bloody brilliant," said Gothmog, waggling at Chani, "see...we get this...ferret..."
"And ... it ... will ... get ... no ... flippin ... points" intoned Chani, indicating the negative altitude of Gothmogs situation. Gothmog narrowed his already slim slitted eyes and pursed his lips, forcing his tongue on to the upper lip and blowing air across it in rapid fashion, illiciting a noise somewhat like the damp wet fart of a small and shivering vole.

Nabi noted the steadily heated interaction between the two heroes and said conversatorily "I've heard a ferret can incapacitate a dragon when inserted up the rectum (although it'd be polite to ask first, of course)."
"No-one's inserting me *anywhere*!" squeaked a small voice from beneath Gothmog's cape.

Nabi couldnt remember seeing a talking ferret with a '37' tattooed on top of it's head as part of Gothmog's inventory, but then his vision was somewhat blurred. Mophus managed to stop his licivious licivilising long enough to loquaciously eulogise the merits of the 37th plan, but why it must certainly needs be set aside for a new 38th idea - unfortunately no one spoke portuguese so his talking went unheeded. "Alright!", exclaimed Tiggy, "What is this plan with the ferret all about?"

"Easy," says Gothmog, rolling his shoulders, hushing to a whisper and leaning in to the crowd, "while I'm telling you my brilliant plan and distracting the lot of you, Felicia the Ferret will crawl down my leg, up Stamm's back and open his backpack straps allowing Edward the Duck to swoop down and hook my blasted tankard YOU GULLIBLE MUPPETS!"

Stamm turned around, but it was already too late - Felicia was already running through the crack, holding the tankard triumphantly. "Was that a ferret running away with a tankard chased by an angry duck?" asked Hawk, moving his eyepatch from eye to eye before he remembered that he wasn't a pirate despite the ear ring, so he must be wearing a barbarian jockstrap on his head.

After another slip, tumble, and crash, Linflas suddenly joined the party by falling down the well on top of everybody else, and as he looked around in mild but drunken surprise, he muttered...
"Oh! So that's what happened to that huge big well I saw on the way to the pub!"
"Linflas is gay!" said a concussed Gothmog giggling, then looking sad at the looks he got, continued, "I mean, he seems really as happy as I am to be down here in the well with all of you muppets!"
After having a big green elf land on his head, Zed had a moment of inspiration and decided to see if he could squeeze through the crack in the well wall, ferret first. "But I ssssstill have to go to the loo! Never hasss my bladder hurt ssssooo much!", whined Hissssa. Hisssa's problem was that after drinking alcopops such as vodka-melun, every time his bladder would work over-drive. 'I an scho pished' he thought to himself and promptly fell over.

Fortuntely Hisssa's descent was broken by an already filled bota thrown on the floor previously - not so fortunate for all of the others at the bottom of the well. "GAH!" screamed a drenched Chani, "that does it, if no one else is going to check out that crack, I will." Meanwhile a passer-by above paused for a moment to see a gueyser of liquid shoot up from the well and then change to a lovely golden shower of rain.

Meanwhile, Daroou had sat down in the corner and was drunkenly trying to practise his counting... "Wun...tooo...freeee...faawww...fyve...zyx..." Chani shot passed him and hurled herself at the crack in the wall on top, over Zed, but had mininimum chance of budging the the weight of the rubble on her own. "I have a great idea!" said Alex to Chani, pulling his hoodie down, "why don't get a torch and set fire to the oil so it blows up - I like fire!"

With all the action occuring in the insanely small well bottom, no-one noticed as a red-haired warrior pulled himself from under a squashed melon and exclaimed in a muffled breath: "With so much Guinness in my guts, it's no wonder I have an over-stretched chocolate asterisk." The grey lord looked down to the bottom of the well and called out "Is there a George down there? I'm looking for George. Gilbert Godfried is looking for him." Halk looked up and merely belched loudly, then let out a huge, bellowing laugh which echoed right through Wuuf's head, since the poor canine was standing about three steps in front of him at the time.

"You know what!" said Chani annoyed, climbing into the oozy smelly crack, "you..you...muppets..can stay here and turn this place into a toilet, and then Alex can set fire to you all!" - and with that she disappeared, as much to escape Gothmog's looks of love. Syra, who had been thinking intently to herself, suddenly spoke with delight: "I just realised that a meadow full of quantum particles wearing head apparrel would be an atom hat field!"

Gothmog was almost distracted by Syra's wonderfully surreal mind, but realised that he needed to go into the crack to follow his true love - his tankard carrying ferret. Stamm on the other hand, wasn't concerned with Syra's surreal mind but was rather more interested in her very real soft elf bosom, which he suddenly lunged for inelegantly.

[Gambit37]

"Why's Stamm drunkenly lunging for my backpack and not my chest?" asked Syra, having hoped the dwarf would have a rummage around, since she had a vi potion stored inside the wooden box. Stamm unfortunately didn't get as far as Syra; he slipped on a damp, smelly undergarment that now clung to his boot and refused to be shaken off.

Meanwhile Chani, Halk, Gothmog and Zed all tried to get further into the crack, finding the blockages suddenly being removed from within. "Shhh! Someone's unblocking the tunnel" said Chani, stopping suddenly and being bumped into roughly by the men who had all been looking at her bottom. The monster moved boulder after boulder in a frenzy, knowing its prey was close - fresh air to combat the violent flatulence it had woken up with.

"What is it?" whispered Gothmog cautiously, while behind him Halk was drawing his sword and being rather surprised on discovering it was in fact a rubber chicken. 'If Mr Chips is here, what have I left my nephew thumping the cat with?' asked Halk to himself, as his eyes started to water with the almost corrosive air emerging from the crack. He hefted the fake poultry from hand to hand, weighing up it's relative maiming capability as Zed readied himself and Chani and Gothmog prepared their spells.

Gothmog was torn between the spells 'Terrifying Feet' and 'Small Surprising Poultry Poppage' but had to settle with 'Fireball' simply because he could remember the runes to that one, while Chani had been distracted by her need for a kebab and was trying to remember which runes created a good Mutton Vindaloo. Dithering for a fraction too long was fatal: with great speed, the unseen enemy burst from behind the remaining boulders, deftly picked up Chani and Zed and in a movement faster than anyone thought possible, popped them both in it's gigantic shopping bag. Yes, it had managed to get away with last minute Christmas shopping and the missus would be none the wiser - she'd always wanted a nice pair of adventurous slippers. These two specimens would be perfect once they were boiled, baked, scooped out, cured and cut into fluffy bunny shapes.

Halk yelled at Gothmog to cast his spell quickly, but Gothmog had deceided to go to the bathroom in the nearest available place, which ended up being his cloak of midnight. "Stop pissing about, you ferret lover!" screamed Chani, her head just visible above the rim of the shopping bag. "Pissing? Naw, this is piss, right here!" bellowed Stamm, hurling the damp, unpleasant-smelling undergarment at the somewhat-surprised head of the bunny-slipper-maker. The monster looked shocked, tearful that the thoughtful creatures below it had made its favourite dessert, and it decided to buy the missus some ewok-skinned slippers instead and dropped the adventurer shopping bag. Chani and Zed tumbled from the oversized carrier and crashed into Gothmog and Halk, which was unfortunate as Gothmog had not yet finished emptying his terrified bladder.

[Gambit37]

The monster decided that two boulders may make a nice pair of ear-rings and with a mighty leap left the well in search of the jewellers - the crack entrance was now unguarded! "Phew!" said Gothmog, both in relief that the monster had left and the relief of an empty bladder.

Mophus bounded over ready to use his super-power grin to frighten the monster, but was denied by its demure departure, and instead was forced to ask, "so, shall we inspect the intriguing ingress?" Behind him followed Daroou who had been strangely quiet but now was muttering to himself: "Rant, rant, rant or rave, that is the question!" In a sudden spur of nostalgia Hisssa stated "You know, I sure miss my gammy, when she was young and saucy, my gam bit 37 times the tail of a demon ocelot!"
"Yeah," mused Daroou, "my gammy was the same, but easily embarrassed too, she'd happily slurp her ocelot soup but if she burped she'd go bright crimson - goes t' show you never can tell..."

Mophus coughed to get the bizarrely divided attention of the fragmented group: "ANYWAY, now that weirdo has sodded off, we can investigate where this path goes -- it's taken us a ton of prose to get here!"
Mophus bravely stuck his head out of the end of the now unblocked tunnel to see a room with a hamster chained to the wall by all four limbs at one end, and a portcullis with a mummy and wall switch behind at the other.

"I knew that sick bastard was felching hamsters" exclaimed Daroou stuffing his head past Mophus and reached around to help the little thing out "here you go fuzzy little buddy, now you no longer need to fear any large cracks either"
"Well, you don't see that ever day," Mophus said to Leyla, gesturing for her to come over, "look - a mummy!"

The Fuzzy Buddy, releived to be freed, wanted to help out so made a beeline towards the portcullis, to which he might just fit through. "That bastard better not have killed my Felicia!" said Gothmog hotly of the mummy, "or else it's fireball city, and I'm the urine-soaked mayor!" The mummy was in fact an Egyptian Kings's chief nasal hair dresser and was instructed by the High Priest of Horus not to move from it's post, except for monsters on Christmas shopping trips. The well dwellers tried to funnel in to the crack to see what all the excitement was, and of course to work out what on earth all that oil had been used for. They would burst into the room to see a hamster heroically squeezing through the portcullis, dodging the mummy with a well executed side roll, scurrying up the wall and clinging onto the wall switch which moved an inch and then stopped - rusted!

"Ooooooooooh," said Nabi, "this reminds me of a badger related spell... 'Summon Badger of Infinte De-rustificationisementnessism' - I'm sure Boris knew it!" Boris however, started spitting towards the lever in an attempt to add lubricatation. Chani, who had hitherto been rubbing ink splots off her face from the huge receipt in the bottom of the Gigantic Carrier, suddenly squeaked "Boris, stop, you'll catch a dose of Exploding Nasal Gate Rust!" With Boris' lips through the portcullis, his stringy mucus had covered our poor hampster with sufficient mass to weigh down the switch, but now found his head stuck and was moving in an upward direction as the portcullis opened!

[Gambit37]

"Help!" he screamed as his feet were lifted off the ground and he started inching towards the fetchingly painted, yet ultimately fatal ceiling. The mummy advanced, arms forward, as they do with over 3000 years of BO. Noting the large tube of KY left by the giant, Gothmog deftly shifted it's angle and lept onto it coating boris in a thick layer of lubricant which caused him to gradually slide out of place, but would it be soon enough? "Wuuf! We need wuuf!" cried Daroou as the smell triggered a memory, "his biker BO is 10 times worse!"

The Mummy slipped in the large puddle of KY and began cursing in egyptian just as boris slipped out and fell upon the dusty pile of rags and they began thrashign about together like some bizzare wrestling match... 'Fire', thought Nabi, 'as one would burn faster than the other'. Daroou scampered off to get Wuuf while Nabi prepared Ful Ir but Boris could hear him chanting the firey spell and realised it was gonna be him or the mummy who would......be in a hot and sticky situation. 'Oh,' thought Gothmog meanwhile, embarrassed to himself , 'if thats' the runes for Fireball, then what the blazes did I just cast?'

Boris and mummy suffered the double whammy of fire and electricity in one big explosion, but Boris hadn't realised that being covered in KY Jelly has an insulating and fire-retardant effect. "So that's why Mophus and Leyla buy so much of it!" said Boris, finally understanding. Before being hit on the head once more, this time by a wall as he was thrown across the room by an exploding mummy leaving a snails trail of KY in his wake. "You don't see that everyday either!" said Mophus to Leyla, ignoring the explosive debris and flying bodies and pointing to the still squirming hamster who was now being given aid in his predicament by an amourous ferret. Aid elsewhere came in the form of Mophus attending to an unconscious Boris who's first course of actions was to confirm if Boris was alive, by tickling his testicles - a common technique taught in his priests school. Boris stirred with the priestly genital ministrations and muttered groggily "Mother, is that you?"

Elsewhere a duck was in trouble - the descending portcullus was thretening to squash poor Edward, who had got Gothmog's tankard and was braving feiry debris to try and return it to his master. Duck, ferret and hamster, were all in danger of making a nice stew. Alex whistled innocently trying to push the duck back into the doorway with his foot - he liked stew almost as much as he enjoyed the pretty fire just now. Cooked in a sauce of Boris' mucus, plus essence of KY and a hint of BO it would turn out real nice.

"Boo!" yelled Halk suddenly, leaping toward the hamster and, after scooping it up, proceeded to wipe the KY off it and remonstrate it for getting lost - "Silly Boo...why did you wander off like that...getting lost...stay here now..." and completely oblivious to the strange looks he was getting from the others. Boo had turned out to be a hero hamster, a champion rodent, a king amongst squeakers. Felicia knew she would never love as strongly again, and Edward felt the first stirrings of jealousy! It should of course be noted at this juncture that ducks are the most jealous of all creatures and will not think twice about beaking to death the duck of their affection if it's discovered having a ducky affair.

"Quack!" went the duck (in the forums worst case of someone trying to up their post count). "I'm a bloody good doctor!" said Mophus, mortally offending, who proceeded to roast the duck and ferret alive with a fireball, to Alex's delight and Gothmog's heartbroken dispair, ending a classical love story but allowing something more interetsing to do with badgers some room in the story! "Thank bloody good lord for that," announced Stamm who breathlessly lunged for the tastily toasted twosome, his belly growling "I'm starving!"

Just then Hawk grabbed hold of the narrator and began beating him with a large sporrin filled with coins, which incidentally was made with badger fur screaming "You want badgers you incoherrent louse? Hows that for badgers huh?!!" *SLAM SLAM SLAM* The narrator took the point and concentrated less on innocent animal roastage and more on how to guide the champions safely passed the next obstacle, more terrifying than the mummy and more fiendishly cunnign than the rusted shut door - the obstacle of the big giant's rancid laundry basket. It sat there, squat and nonchalant, just beyond the portcullis and smelling faintly of stout.

The mighty dungeoneers had faced many challenges in their lifetime, from lord Chaos's dungeons to a drinking contest with Stamm earlier in the night to Leyla's strange dungeon mistress games she made them all play - but this was by far the worst yet. Putting the firey carnage out of their minds, the champions gathered together and made their way through the portcullis cautiously, as Stamm began to sing a song about a mystic unicorn. They all split up around the washing, assuming it a smelly but harmless blockage, but this was no cloned pillar - this was a cloned monster, and without warning multiple giant's socks leaped out in cardboard-like stiffness of dirt encrusted filth eager to impale the hapless group. With unexpected focus and clarity, Zed started issuing orders: "Gothmog, rear rank, fireballs; Stamm, front rank, cleaver; Chani, rear rank, lightning.. oh, and Hisssa must do that clever fuzzy dodge thing that always goes down well." Gothmog gave Zed a long look then said, "What the muppeting fudge berries are you blethering on about - you just shut your noise you and watch me blow the lot of these fuzzy foot warmers inta bitza stuffing!" Zed turned and gave Gothmog a withering stare, "Less of your tone, dude, remember, *I* give the orders around here!"
"Since when!" said Gothmog, Stamm, Halk, Chani, Hissssa, Daroou, Leyla, Mophus and a tiny hamster at the same time, "Syra is a much better leader than you!"

Enraged and ignoring the threat of a lynching by gigantic menacing laundry, Zed leapt at Gothmog, slashing with his dagger but only reaching Gothmog's coin pouch which elicited a curse from the dark robed wizard: "Damn you, you hairy faced git, you've spilt all my copper, man!" Taken unawares by the Socks of Doom (tm) while messing about with Gothmog, Zed was suddenly dragged backwards towards to laundry hamper, yelling "help me gang, if not for me, then for my poor moustache!" Stamm and Halk each grabbed one of Zed's legs and suddenly it became an ungainly tussel over a Freddie Mercury look-a-like. "I always thought he looked more like Des Lynam...but, you know, a young Des" said Stamm to himself, which earned him some very strange looks from Halk - mostly because Stamm had decided to remove his trousers at some point earlier. Zed streched as both parties heaved, which would bring a tear to your eye as Gothmog had just offered a helping hand by grabbing the only appendage available at that end of the body. With a firm grip on his big toe, (nothing else was big enough to grab hold of), he pulled hard. The extra pulling power was enough as the giant socks let go of Zed and the group collapsed into a tangled heap on the dusty floor.

Nabi, a lateral thinker and smoker of some funny smelling weed, quickly tied down one of the Socks of Doom(tm) with an Odour Eater. Stamm, a less quck thinker, ran to catch the other sock but tripped over his trousers onto a large chicken carcass left in the dirt, breaking it's wishbone. The remaining hosiery was now able to 'sock' Stamm in the face - Ho ho!

Leif, who was aware of how little he figured in the story, made up for it by investigating the laundry basket which was oozing some disgusting muck, muttering "It looks like Mother's cheese flavoured vitreous flux." But it was in fact from the giants previous night full of activities including 'anal and ale' (the art of drinking beer through the rectum).

While the others were sorting themselves out, Syra came down the hall oblivious to the chaos as she was playing Qbert intently on her Gameboy. She had sore fingers from so many hours of fingering the small yet satisfying nubbin that Stamm had shown her yesterday during their early afternoon tiffin thery had both partaken of.

Meanwhile, Boo leapt onto one of the socks and started to happily chew it to pieces, as nearby everyone else was more preocupied by the underpants that had just climbed out of the basket. Those heroes that actually wore underwear felt a sudden cold blancmange leap forth from the depths of the basket and launch itself at their heads. All heroes tried to duck with the exception of Daroou, who merely opened his maw and swallowed the blancmange whole, following it up with a satisfied belch and a smug grin in the direction of the duck, who being dead was now sadly the least duck like. However this did not stop Leif from sticking his bottom in a handy vat of tar and attaching several feathers to his behind, before whipping out his enourmous bill, which he had got lumbered with at the end of the night out. "We need to defeat this menace," Leif proclaimed, "because I've just spotted somehthing beyond - a shiny rubber dolphin that has been strung up by it's tail and has no porpoise."

"Waif" said Zed, his eyes sparkling but mouth full of venomous villianous sock, "I haif an ibea tff deffeef thif effil waffiff - a fffire thould burn it ttthfough qwife eathithithly -- ooo aff a burnin forch?"
"Not me," said Alex guiltily amidst a pile of socks and knickers burnt to crispy perfection from their own rancid flamable filth, "maybe you should...

[Gambit37]

use that dirty great flamethrower you stole from B&Q". Alex turned away, disgusted at the wanton theivery of his fellow adventurer and as he turned, he noticed a......hand had stolen the wallet he'd nicked from Leif earlier. 'Where did that blue long arm and hand come from,' thought Alex too himself, looking at the apparently solid wall and wondering if he'd been sniffing too much......badgers arse brew (which was the most popular drink in the grim pub they had left earlier, The Rancid...... Turtle's Head). Alex was quickly dismisisng the strange blue arm when it suddenly came directly out of the wall again, grabbing his favourite...nipple. "Ow!" he exclaimed, unamused by the unseen meanies unnerving sense of fresh (and painful) body piercings.

Meanwhile between hamsters and flamethrowers and general daring doo the rest of the party had managed to melt the washing basket and force the left over washign to scarper into crevices. Exhausted, Stamm sat down heavily and spotted Alex in a rather strange pose by the wall: it appeared as if he was being chestily pleasured, a rather odd turn of phrase and an ever odder rubbish sentence.

They had apparently uncovered the blue chamber of lusty meanies, which was an ancient and unmapped section of Chaos' old...personal quarters. In fact they had entered his infamous... wash-house of infinite terrors. His water boiler worked on the fear of champions to heat the water and get his clothes really.....swanky, nothing like a little lust and fear to wash out your unmentionables. This nipple massage was only the first part of the cycle which also included...sulphuric acid to remove those adventurer blood stains, and a high spin cycle in case any hamsters were still in his pockets.

Alex was dragged across the floor.....screaming in unexpected pleasure, until another blue arm shot out to grab him by the...neck, but significantly missed and instead grasped firmly the soft collection of dangly objects in his pants. "My sausages! I was gunna cook them in..." *twitch* ..."fire later on," he moaned.

Finally the body attached to the blue arms came into view and quite unsurprisingly it was a blue......version of Daroou, the blue being a lot of hair gel used to flatten down his enormous.....Afro which despite the copious ammount of gel was still quivering for release. The large blue beastie still had a firm grip on his..... purpose in life, which was to form the quintissential Jackson Five tribute band. He really hoped he could get the others interested, such as...his friend Bobo who had always adored singing the classics but was not fond the jacksons songs. His hope now that Alex might have that golden ...ringpiece, was for a quartet who could all play the tuba through their botty hole.

Whilst handling what he assumed to be a pocket full of sausage, he instead discovered that Alex had quite the vocal range on him and decided right there just how usefull this man could be.

"Muuaaaaagghhhh!" screamed Alex, breaking various......laws in the dungeon they had walked in to. Suddenly a false wall was opened up and a set of clanking...Michael Jackson lookalikes popped into view, wearing various pieces of cutlery. "Just Beat It!" shouted...... Stamm, "or we shall have to engage in Thrilla Killa!" HE took out his axe from his belt, then realised his trousers were still aorund his ankles so what he had actually grabbed was Halk's...Sword of Porc.

What mystical powers it possessed Stamm did not have time to find out, he leapt with menace to defend Alex and impress Syra, beating the Michael Jaskson look alikes to death with it. It all ended in in a shower of puss and blood, which thankfully turned into a cloud of dust - "Cough! Cough!" went......Darouu's blue brother Phil, "my singing voice, my beautiful singing voice, what shall I do now!" "Well," said Alex, "you could let go of me then...and lets get out of here!". Alex had foolishly hoped that he'd be home by Christmas.

"For Sommerlund and the Kai!" yelled Linflas with weapon raised, then realising he was in the wrong story and also realising that Stamm had killed all the opponents - he was therefore taken unawares when a menace from behind took him, ...turned him around and gave him a big wet sloppy kiss on the lips while holding a sprig of mistletoe above them. He winked at Linflas and said...... "Leyla and I were wondering if you wanted to join us later." The figure, Mophus, then gave Linflas a broad terrifying grin that made Linflas......go weak at the knees and say, "Oh alright then, but only if...

[Gambit37]

... I get to use the rope." Mophus looked disappointed and angry and turned away, tripping over a miniature screamer that had slithered in from ...it's secret lair, the bonsai cage that was cleverly hidden between the sixteen crates of Diamond White and the smelly bales of......tied up barbarian adventurers.

"Bob!" said Halk overjoyed, "I thought you'd just ran off without paying...whatever happened with the...special order of Moist Jockstraps? Did you get it on super-saver delivery in time for Christmas or was it.....not on sale and Henry Haggis just lying again, that good for nothign sunofa..." Halk continued muttering obsenities while Bob simply nodded hoping he would finish soon and untie him so he could ...have an almighty slash -- his bladder was excessively bloated and looked rather like an engorged melon.

'I'm hungry,' thought Daroou and Phil simultaneously.

'Geoffrey' the screamer did a 'screamer first' and produced a gutteral "ROAR", much to the surprise of the bushy brothers (Daroo & Phil) who promptly......shrieked and fainted like a pair of wimpy little doinks. As Phil and Daroou fell the action of fur rapidly rubbing against the screamer's skin caused a static charge which ignited the highly volatile gases emitting from the screamers pores thereby causing ......Alex to dance around in glee yelling, "Fire! Fire!" The flames licked everything like a lurid lacivious..well, Stamm...and the barbarians tied up found their freedom when their binding ropes burned away, at the cost of their..collective chest hair. This particular tribe of barbarians were famous for a preference in choosing partners who were hairier and saggier than others, so would be returning home later 'hair-free' to the dismay of their ......husbands, who would most likely have to beat themselves over the head with large pieces of wood until they (the pieces of wood) broke.

Meanwhile, Alex's boots had caught fire, and he was tied in emotions between complete ecstatic joy and complete pain filled terror. He settled on...the screamer that had imploded upon contact with his backside. A large rush of air could be heard emitting from......Tiggy, who had bad wind all night but had been waiting for the right moment to get rid of it. She pojnted at the scremer and Alex drunkenly, but still had a hold of her wand and so...accidentally let loose a side winding fireball which completely missed Alex but smacked into what was left of the screamer. Normally she was so fiable with magic, but the effect of alchol and pork scratchings left her...... more than a little distracted. She was glad that the fireball hadn't been closer, it may well have ignited the pocket of......methane which she's just deposited in the air, and which happened to also be floating just above the unconscious, and very hairy, Daroou.

Stamm, meanwhile, had been slowly and lustfully attempting to......seduce Syra's chest with caresses and rubbing and even licking. He thought there might be some more wine in her locked wooden box - though he was aware she also had a nice pair of ......maracas hidden away somewhere. However, for now he was more interested in her gorgeous shiny...... key that would open the locked chest. Hmm, perhaps if he simply slid his hand up ...the curve of her back, caressing her neck and then geeently into her rucksack and... "¡OUCH!" He got bitten by the tiny hampster that had already secreted itself in there earlier in order to......keep a close eye on her chest itself.

What a heroic hamster, never thinking of the danger that could strike if...that unstable and volatile FUL bottle at the bottom of the rucksack were to be unstoppered by a careless rodent. Still, the hamster was already drunk as a skunk and surely wouldnt even think about opening yet another bottle of Syra's perfume or ...... (deleted due to taste considerations). Stamm was also interested in those, but first he needed to get the key - perhaps if he used the hamster to...wrap it's tail around the key, while the thing was sucking on his finger. <CHING>

Stamm's finger, Hamster and Key were one so he slowly drew his hand out of the bag ...... and that's when he found out that Syra infact has a snake, a snake, a hoooorrible snaaaake, packed away. "Badgers, badgers badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, badgers, " sang Nabi, wondering if he should make some anti-venom for poor Stamm getting bitten, but deciding instead on conjuring up some...Mon Antidote (with extract of Badger - as he found that when squeezed they were quite potent). The Adder meanwhile, which was attemtping to swallow key-hamster-finger ......, suddenly found that the hamster's "tail" was in fact another, much smaller, much more poisonous snake, and which also happened to be one of the very rare, uber-deadly snake-eating-snakes - not even Boo, a (very small) giant space hamster, had a tail any longer than a dinky little stumpy thing like any other hamster.

As the snake-eating snake munched its way through the adder, little Boo ran off and continued chewing his way through the last of the socks, leaving Stamm to......ponder the nature of snake cannibalism, unaware that a plot altering interdimensional portal was opening directly adjacent to his fat lardy arse.

[Gambit37]

However, because his arse was so fat, it was sucked into the portal and he became stuck, with his aforementioned fat lardy arse wedged tightly in, an experience which reminded him of the time he got stuck whilst going to the toilet somewhere in the Unseen University, where he'd had delusions of an academic life that unravelled quickly when he realised he was in yet another ficitonal word that bore no relationship to the one he'd been conceived in. It reminded him of the time that Daroou passed wind so loudly it frightened the Dragon fourteen floors below, causing himself to spontaneously combust in a rather exciting ball of flame.

Meanwhile, Syra was simply pointing and lauhging with hysterical terror at the huge, rotund and frankly rather tasteless apparition that was coming down the tunnel towards the distracted group - a huge obese and smelly fellow wearing a disgusting tuxedo covered in vomit, with tiny hands and feet poking from his suit, followed by an odd looking man dressed unconvincingly as a washer woman carrying a stinking bucket.

"Oh my goodness," said Syra beside herself with worry, "what is that - no, I mean behind the two strange people?"

Gando, who had been left out of the story for sometime, squeaked from behind her: "Oh, no, run, get out of here -- I can handle the fat guy, I can even handle the unconvincing washer woman, but I can't handle......actually, curtains now I come to think on it - terrible things, they Stryker me then wrap me up and choke me don'cherkno'. But definitely a close second is the evil, foul smelling, pustulance that is that ...vast and rancid Badger of Doom(tm) currently bounding down the corridor behind fatty and Mildred!"

He turned, grabbed Syra's flappy halter top and dragged her back down the corridor as the Badger of Doom......thundered towards its summoner, master, and master villian of the piece - Nabi the Prophet! "Wahahahaha," he crowed, hopping around in ghoulish glee, "I will make millions in profit from transcript of this silly tale - who do you think led you fools into this well, and who do you think will now dispatch you by.....his powerful flatulence of death! Run as far as you wish, climb the walls, hide in any crevice, it will find you and then you will understand that......truely the poison cloud is mightier than the fireball! Wahahahahhahahah *cough* no Snuggles, not now, not at me, not when we are so close to...achieving domination of this bizarre tale!" Suddenly, as Snuggles was joyfully releasing gas at the meeting of his master, the large vomit covered man and his bucket carrying sidekick stopped running and turned to face the hairy fart bringer of death.

"At last, we'll find out who they are," said Azizi, nudging Wu-Tse sharply in the ribs, "I was buggered if I could work it out!"

The monstrous badger stopped it's merry flatulence and turned to face the disgusting, beachball shaped aristo (who was busy throwing up into the bucket that had been placed in front of him) and lolled it's tongue in his direction, before it turned about and aimed it's bottom at the stinking man.

"We're all doomed," said Sonja observing the horror, and turning to Elija said "run, run back to the hoTel, run ya fool - but first, kiss me you big haired lion of a man," and so saying she wrapped her arms around him and planted a big sloppy wet kiss on his lips.

"How dare you mock me with your kissy face actions?!! I'll destroy you with my badger of doom (tm) badger of doom and flatulence of death are both trademarks of nabi prophet industries and can not be used without full concent of the afore mentioned trade markholders unless those holders have expressly given their permission which we have not as yet done for any one but for a small fee of 2000 gold we may put you on the list, further more nabi prophet industries and badger of doom (tm) are also .........." Nabi began to rant to himself as Elija pushed off Sonja and pulled out his....enormous stainless steel garnishing tool (which he'd received for free while shopping in Debenhams earlier that day) and brandished it menancingly at the gigantic Badger, shouting: "I relish the prospect of addressing our seasonal dispute!" - this earned him a clout over the head from Sonja who couldn't believe she snogged the moron, and wished she could get with the dreamy eyed Gothmog instead of watching this duell.

As luck would have it, the slitty-eyed wizard was slowly inching his way down the corridor from the opposite end, followed cautiously by Wuuf and Alex and as they got nearer to the ferocious Badger (of Doom, (tm), natch), Gothmog mis-incanted his fireball spell and turned himself into a ravenous Stoat.

[Gambit37]

Alex was both terrified and excited by the cunning plan Wuuf had come up with - while Gothmog distracted the badger (of doom(tm)(c)(r) (o)(o) ) Wuuf would simply stand around, allowing his BO to build up and mix with the badger's, and then once Gothmog was devoured utterly Alex could set fire to the whole disgusting miasma to kill the Badger! "No! Wait," shouted the vomiting man suddenly, "I know that you're thinking of allowing your BO to mix with the badger's and then letting the new stoat be devoured utterly after which you'll expect this chap to set fire to the whole disgusting miasma to kill the Badger, but I have a better idea! See, we build this......giant Nabi figure, right, and the badger will come over and hug it, and then me, you, that chappie and stoat boy will come out of its legs. And when we come out of its legs, why, that's when...we chop..." He didn't get to finish his master plan because the badger had turned around and was rapidly picking up the champions in it's giant paws, deftly wafting each one around it's bottom to tease them all with a swift sniff of their impending demise.

Soon there were several vomiting men rather than just one, as each came away coated in a slick yellowish slime which aparently was just the residue of the badgers anal glands and certainly more than most men can take. And most men certainly can't take a chaotic badgers enormity, especially one doused in a vi ag ra potion concocted by a tremendously drunk but strangely sane..... blue preist of meanie, which happened to freaquent the woods near Nabi's childhood home, and likley where he got his lust for world domination. Who incidentally still rambling off some leagal littany as his badger was happily sodomising .......an Altar of VI it had spotted off to one side. Maybe it interpretted the scroll there, the one that had talked about new life for ...old boners.

"I won't stand for this!" said Halk firmly, falling down and crying at the terrible sight before him like an enourmous hairy baby in a brown furry nappy. "That's not fair -- Halk get's a line after a few pages and I haven't said anything for, like, weeks!" whispered Iaido to Leyla knowingly, yet again breaking the fourth wall and annoying the narrator.

It was unfortunate that this would be his last words, as that alcohol poisoning that had been slowly coursing through his veins all the time *honestly* killed him *haha* - however, Leyla looked at the badger fouled alcove and back to the body of the dead samurai, and had a brilliant idea. Sadly, the narrator couldn't read her mind and decided to return to the bizarre situation of altar-boning gigantic farty badger vs. a collection of perverted and sick misfits lost deep in both a well and a story of such oddness that...even the gods themselves had turned from it and decided to sink it underwater as they had atlantis. "Oh great," said Gothmog, "the bottom of my robe is starting to get soaked from the torrential rain, now how am I going to...be able to tell when I've weed myself?" Leyla roughly pushed him out of the way and made towards the badger, shouting "Looks like a flood is coming our way, maybe if we can tame this gigantic beast, we can all grab hold and he can swim us out of here?"

"You'd better do somehting bloody fast," said Gando and Boris together to the taller members of the group. Suddenly, Nabi unexpectedly stopped his egomaniacal mumblings as he noticed the water lapping around his feet and turned to the group sadly, saying "Uh, um, errr, I'm sorry guys, I got a little carried away there -- now, does anyone have a plan to get us out of this...I can't swim!"

"Oh Right, your a right good tart aren't ya, ye bloody badger sodomising mongrel!" Yelled Stamm crossly "First you set this whole bloody mess upon us and when the gods get mad you want us to help you out of it I say NAY!"

"Wait a minute...we could set fire to the badger's arse," says Alex, staring wildly, "no, don't look at me like that Stamm, you'll like this, if we all grab Syra's chest and tie it to the bottom of the badger's bottom, then light the gasses on fire, why it will become like a hot air balloon and we can float to safety and up out of here!" Wu Tse, who had seen little of the goings on due to self-censorship, spoke up: "There are many sheets in the far corridor left from your encounter with the laundry basket -- we can use those to make lanyards we can hold on to!"

Daroou and Phil had been busy hugging each other and catching up on family matters, but then Daroou said, "Brilliant, and you can use Phil's sticky hair and my naturally longer hair to form strongly bonded ropes for the lashing up of the lanyards and chest!" Wuuf -- who had Gothmog the Stoat peering out of a top pocket -- growled his agreement, adding: "And if we used Geoffrey the screamer as kindling, we could probably get the fire going even quicker!"

[beowuuf]

Tiggy looked around, frowning, and commented...
"Umm...since we're down a well, why don't we all just grab hold of something buoyant, stand at the bottom of the shaft, and let the water carry us up and out?"
We'll never get out in time without some faster than walking badger propultion," explained Iaido, ressurected on the understanding that he pimp for the narrator and cover up the gaping holes in the logic.
Gando grinned and said "Tiggy's right, you know, though setting fire to this great badger behind would be kinda fun...!"

Iaido fell down dead again, luckily into the badger-spooged altar so was ressurected properly, while the group tried to work out how to simultaneuosly run down the corridor again while setting fire to the badger. t was impossible -- however hard they thought about it, none of their plans were good enough to get them out of the well quickly enough, except...if Alex were to brandish fire at the chest-hairless barbarians. They would be so scared they would probably run really fast, even with a few champions jumped onto their backs, fast enough to make it - if only Mophus hadn't been spending his time...building a large wooden frame across the bottom of the well that had nailed to it a blown up photograph of his dazzling yet disturbing grin.

Just then a loud humming sound of an old elevator sounded above and was slowly getting closer, which mingled with the sound of the Grey lord saying "Terribly sorry I fogot to tell you..about this old back door, I had it installed after that trouble with old Chaosy face. Now, what's going on here?" The badger mistakes the grey lord for Nabi (well, they are a little bit similar, don't you think) and instantly lunges for his face in affection. "Aararagh, no, geroff me you 'orrible great hairy beast, I am *not* your master!" he shrieked in a surprisingly girlish voice, as he whipped up a spell the champions had not heard before and launched it at the badger -- which instantly increased in size, so big in fact that it completely filled the corridor with no room to spare: "Ooops!" whimpered the Grey Lord in surprise.

"Right, so we've lost the badger, lost the elevator, and the rain now has less places to drain so this corridor is filling up faster," Mophus summed up succinclty, "so can I suggets we engage in an orgy of...such lewd and perverse bodily impossibilities that we forget all about our current predicament and die contentedly in a glow of pure physical bliss?" Everyone looked at him with distaste, Leyla punched him soundly in the face and they all turned to The Grey Lord who was pointing down the corridor back the way they had come.

Just as Moses had parted the Red Sea, verily so did the Grey Lord part the filthy rainwater so that his champions and their strange friends could all run without delay - Boo the Hamster jumping onto the Grey Lord's shoulder just because he was bored and hadn't been mentioned in a while. The Grey Lord actually looked like Charlton Heston too, though Boo.

The Grey Lord spoke again: "Listen up, the badger has blocked this corridor and blocked off the shortcut with my deus ex machina elevator exit, so we need to go back to the bottom of the well and get out of here -- my magic is exhausted and sadly I can't just teleport you out of here." The champions nodded that this was fair enough, and turned to run - suddenly though, they heard a telltale 'pzzzrp' and call of 'suckers' from the Grey Lord as he teleported out of there.

The now lonely champions (24 of them) started to make their way back to the bottom of the well, with still no idea how to get out, nor what the enormous badger was about to do next. As they trudged back past the detritus of the laundry fight, Iaido stopped and cocked an ear. "Hey you lot," he said urgently, "I can hear voices coming from far off -- I think it's the large vomitting man and unconvincing washer woman that we forgot about -- how on earth did they get in front of us!?"

"It would appear that they have regurgitated here", said Tiggy, "and its a highly dangerous form of transportation that student wizards use in an attempt to get them back home." There was a suddun pop and click sound eminating all around them and tiggy started to scream "Oh NO! Disk Erro...." *poof!* and she vanished.
"Bad command or file name", intoned Phil, stepping over a pile of Tiggy-dust into the final passageway to the bottom of the well.

"No, get off!" said a familiar voice off in the start of the well, "stop climbing up the ladder" - it was the Grey Lord (the real one this time, nto the evil fake) and he was tryign to stop the two odd figures from climbing up the rope he was putting down for his champions. All the remaining champions (including stoaty Gothmog in Zed's pocket) made haste towards the Grey Lord as kind old Sonja (who had done virtually nothing all evening) stopped and brushed Tiggy's dust into a small pouch and popped it in her pocket.

"Look, two huge potatoes!" yelled Stamm - who had finally succeeding in prying open the top covering Syra's chest - and threw the spuds from the wooden box over to the other side of the pit and the two men jumped down and scrambled to get those precious relics, leaving the champions free to scramble up to the top of the well uasing the rope and finally escape, where they could see that the fake grey lord (who was sitting bound and gagged on the muddy ground above) had been unmasked and was none other than..the imfamous meditating guru of which It is said none can survive and likley the reason for the previous destruction of poor Tiggy.

"Do not fear!" said a figure who walked over, the great god Atari, "we have a history, I can save Tiggy and banish the evil guru!" and ask he said he it he waved his boring monocromatic hand and Tiggy was restored to her former glory, and the meditaing guru turned into yoda, (who still shook his head even though our grammar was miuch better this time round) - however he failed to noticed the soaked demented badger that leapt from the well and ate him whole.

and they all lived happily ever af... -NO CARRIER-

Redial? y/n

The End?

* * *

Y" said the Grey Lord, waving his hand.

The swollen and very engorged badger became a small manageable badger that leapt into Nabi's wating and tear-soaked eyes.

Stoat sized Gothmog managed to jump out of Zed's pocket before he became full sized again. He then saw two wet yet now intact again figures - his ferret and duck, both blissfully married now. Little orange tears of joy ran down Gothmog's cheek.

A freak gust of wind snapped open Syra's top, flashing her chest briefly and making Stamm very happy, and then another freak gust of wind blew Syra's wooden chest off of her back and it smashed into Stamm's leecherous face, making Syra very happy.

Heroic Boo sat smuggly on the shoulders of the real Grey Lord, for it was he that realised somethign was up with the evil version, and had run off to get the real one. He wouldforever be the Grey Lords heroic pet now (and never felched again)!

Leif may be relieved to know that Boo had found the Grey Lord back at the bar paying off the bar bill, and his own money re-materialised in his pocket.

Iaido's sword suddenly straitened out again (and not just because he saw Syra flash her chest too), and he had a warmglow that he got mentioned again in the story's end.

All the barbarians suddenly grew back their chest hair richer than before, while Halk himself felt some stirrings around his groin region - not only was his jock strap (nicely washed) back on, but he'd got a set of balls so he'd never cry again, and his Sword of Porc back. His sword swinging on his hip, and his reassuring medicine balls transfered from his pouch into his hand so he could roll them around, and Halk was very happy.

Wuuf discovered that the watery adventure had lead to his BO washing away. He was very happy, he might even pull this year no, but was also looking forward to the prospect of developing and even worse bika BO in the new year. The old one had, after all, been gettign a little old and stale

Gando was happy to disover the DDR machine had floated back o the surface, and he had fun along with Tiggy playing it, trying to win them some wedding rings so they could get married.

Darouu and Phil were glad to be reuined, and all the gel washng off of Phil's body meant he could hide it no longer, he needed to form the Jackson five tribute. Darouu said he was join him, and there was a pop as three of the jackson guards appeared behind them, eager to join up.

Hissssa had a crate of vodka melon drinks around his greatful feet that he could wrap his tail around to carry. "You really like my moonstone?" asked Chani, impressed with what Hissssa could do with his tail. Hisssssa just grinned.

"Hheheheheheh, water!" said Alex, realising his true love after that adventure, and he became a much more socially acceptable sailor, joining Hawk on the high seas. He learned the noble art of diplomacy for later life too, as he kept having to explian Hawk was not a pirate to the authorities.

Something made Mophus relent, and Linflas got to join in Leyla and Mophus's reindeer games (don't ask, just nod smile and move on) and use the rope

The two strange men bobbed t the surface, their potatoes remarkably bouyant, though it would take them a while to scramble out sicne a duck and ferret had pushed them away from the sides.

The atari god and the amiga meditation guru burst back into life, now the best of friends and praising each others systems, and the wave of joy spread out throughout the land making all Amiga and Atari users the best opf friends too, for the atari had DM first, but you know the amiga version was better Smile

The Dragon re-formed many levels below, and got married to Mongor, and they had many nice children. A pity that some evil champions went and hacked them all apart in CSB, but there you go, it can't all be happy endings!

All the champions suddenly realised they were dead sober though and dressed as either tarts or vicars (Gothmog didn't mid he was dressed as the former, and Wu-Tse didn't mind again she got chosen to be the later. Later on Gothmog and Wu-Tse would try to swap clothes, but instead upon seeing each other's lithe supple bodies would have end up making mad pationate games of twister and infact form a champion twister team that would take the world by storm at the next olympics. Ok and they might have sex and get married too at some point.)

"Do not worry my friends," said the Grey Lord, "for it is still Christmas, and I thought you may wish to come back with me to Aniliasiasisaisis thingie however you spell it, get warm round the fire and get smashed on egg nog and beer all over again in the safety of the mountann and we can have our meal tomorrow!" They all cheered. "That's it...if you are feeling well" said the grey lord laughing, then he had to start ducking (ie using Gothmog's duck as a shield) all the way to Aniansisaisnisiasi thingie as the champions chased him and threw rocks at him - led, he was finally glad to find, by Zed. Elija and Soja threw rocks together, Sonja with a look of love in her eye. Elija's puns weren't as bad as that, so maybe she'd give him another chance.

The End.

PS George did indeed find Gilbert Godfied in the end....and that's a whole other story!