Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, "I built a big house for Mom."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
joke Thread
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cowsmanaut
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cowsmanaut
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The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as a meter moved from one side to the other above the shiny walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as a meter moved from one side to the other above the shiny walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother!"
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cowsmanaut
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A little bunny rabbit is running across the savannah.
He meets a hippopotamus rolling a big joint, and tells him "Yo hippo, drugs are bad, drop that joint and come run with me !"
The hippo thinks it over, lets his spliff go and joins the rabbit.
They both run for while before they find a zebra snorting some coke.
"Yo zebra, say no to drugs ! Why don't you come with us for a bit of healthy exercise ?" says the rabbit.
The zebra joins them, and they run for a while before reaching a lion heating up a spoonful of hero.
"Hey lion, say no to drugs, stay clean and come run with us !"
The lion hits the rabbit and shoves him away. The hippopotamus and the zebra stare at him, confused : "Why on earth would you do that ? He got us off drugs and you just beat him up ?"
The lion answers : "That stupid rabbit keeps bugging me to run with him when he's high on E !"
He meets a hippopotamus rolling a big joint, and tells him "Yo hippo, drugs are bad, drop that joint and come run with me !"
The hippo thinks it over, lets his spliff go and joins the rabbit.
They both run for while before they find a zebra snorting some coke.
"Yo zebra, say no to drugs ! Why don't you come with us for a bit of healthy exercise ?" says the rabbit.
The zebra joins them, and they run for a while before reaching a lion heating up a spoonful of hero.
"Hey lion, say no to drugs, stay clean and come run with us !"
The lion hits the rabbit and shoves him away. The hippopotamus and the zebra stare at him, confused : "Why on earth would you do that ? He got us off drugs and you just beat him up ?"
The lion answers : "That stupid rabbit keeps bugging me to run with him when he's high on E !"
A couple of geek classics:
A neutron goes into a pub and orders a pint of Stella.
The barman pours the beer and hands it over without a word.
The neutron asks "How much is that?"
To which the barman replies "For you, no charge!"
Descartes goes into a pub.
He is greeted by the barman who says: "Good evening René, your usual?"
Descartes ponders for a while, then replies "I think n.........."
A neutron goes into a pub and orders a pint of Stella.
The barman pours the beer and hands it over without a word.
The neutron asks "How much is that?"
To which the barman replies "For you, no charge!"
Descartes goes into a pub.
He is greeted by the barman who says: "Good evening René, your usual?"
Descartes ponders for a while, then replies "I think n.........."
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BloodFromStone
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BloodFromStone
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Tom Hatfield
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My friends and I have been roleplaying geeks since middle school. We keep a book of all the really stupid things people say around the table. Here are a few entries:
__________
"If you're intelligent, bubble once for no and yes for two."
"What powers do you have and why should we trust you?"
"Final Fight . . . SHODOWN!!!"
"Why don't you just lasso the ring?"
"Gods don't exist."
"Yes they do. I just don't believe in them."
"Can you turn the air down? It's too hot in here."
"We walkie while we talkie."
"C'mon everybody! We're goin to Island Paaarrrrrk!!"
"Jon, we're driving to California."
Jon holds up the New Orleans by night book.
"What?"
"To the north, about a mile down river, you see a ford. To the south about a mile, you spot another ford."
"Which mile looks closer?"
"There's an X."
"Is it on the ground."
"No. It's on the map."
"Athlete Slash . . . NINJA!!!"
"I'm taking my greatsword and cauterizing Jess's wound."
(His body is cut in half, by the way.)
"What? It's not evil."
"We are here to see our loved one, that we all know."
"Yeah, you know. . . at Uncle Jimmy's place."
"I don't know that one dead guy you know at that place."
(This didn't make sense to us either. That's why it's in the book.)
"Aren't greatswords bludgeoning?"
"I read this article in Maxim about this chick with triple Z breasts or something."
"Were they natural?"
"Okay Jess, you touch the water. Lose six Con."
"I play in it and splash around and drink it."
"Lose eight Con, Chris."
"I don't get a save?!?!"
__________
The rest is more of an inside thing. It wouldn't be funny if I posted it. Now for a joke . . . this is an actual military transcript recorded by a U.S. naval vessel:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
__________
"If you're intelligent, bubble once for no and yes for two."
"What powers do you have and why should we trust you?"
"Final Fight . . . SHODOWN!!!"
"Why don't you just lasso the ring?"
"Gods don't exist."
"Yes they do. I just don't believe in them."
"Can you turn the air down? It's too hot in here."
"We walkie while we talkie."
"C'mon everybody! We're goin to Island Paaarrrrrk!!"
"Jon, we're driving to California."
Jon holds up the New Orleans by night book.
"What?"
"To the north, about a mile down river, you see a ford. To the south about a mile, you spot another ford."
"Which mile looks closer?"
"There's an X."
"Is it on the ground."
"No. It's on the map."
"Athlete Slash . . . NINJA!!!"
"I'm taking my greatsword and cauterizing Jess's wound."
(His body is cut in half, by the way.)
"What? It's not evil."
"We are here to see our loved one, that we all know."
"Yeah, you know. . . at Uncle Jimmy's place."
"I don't know that one dead guy you know at that place."
(This didn't make sense to us either. That's why it's in the book.)
"Aren't greatswords bludgeoning?"
"I read this article in Maxim about this chick with triple Z breasts or something."
"Were they natural?"
"Okay Jess, you touch the water. Lose six Con."
"I play in it and splash around and drink it."
"Lose eight Con, Chris."
"I don't get a save?!?!"
__________
The rest is more of an inside thing. It wouldn't be funny if I posted it. Now for a joke . . . this is an actual military transcript recorded by a U.S. naval vessel:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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BloodFromStone
- Expert
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Take a gander at this (56k modem beware):
http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=041111
Nuklear Power has a hilarious comic that regularly pokes fun at D&D, RPG's, and videogames. All in wonderful classic Final Fantasy sprites.
http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=041111
Nuklear Power has a hilarious comic that regularly pokes fun at D&D, RPG's, and videogames. All in wonderful classic Final Fantasy sprites.
Just remembered a long joke that was funny at the time just because of the length of time it needed to get to the pay-off, really. Oh, a whippet is this
Man walks into a pub with his pet Alsatian. Seems uncharacteristically unfriendly, for which the man is quite pleased.
"Yup," he says to the gathering crowd, "this poor thing has been mistreated all its life, its an ill-tempted vicious thing, it can take on anything."
"Actually," says a voice close to the bar, "I have a whippet that could probably beat it in a fight."
The crowd and the man look over at a short unassuming man at the bar. The first man walks over.
"I'm sorry, a whippet could take on my dog?"
"Yeah, I have a long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet that probably could."
"A what?"
"A long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet"
The man looks in disbelieve, and the shorter man shrugs. "He's outside if you want to see?"
The first man nods, the Alsatian is pulling at the leash, and the two walk outside. The crowd don't bother following, as they don't particularly want to see a whippet being torn apart.
After no time at all a much more subdued Alsatian owner walks back in, almost having to drag a now three-legged subdued Alsatian behind him. He avoids eye contact with the crowd, finds a seat, and drinks a subdued pint in silence. The whippet owner walks in with a neutral face, shrugs at the crowd, then sits back at the bar.
A while later another man with the most ferocious Rottweiller imaginable comes in. The crowd give him a wide berth, and he instead walks over to his friend at the table.
"Bloody hell, what happened to your Alsatian!"
"...whippet..." is the sad reply through a pint glass as the first man points towards the bar. They have a brief conversation and the Rottweiller owner storms over to the bar.
"I hear your...whippet...attacked my friend's dog!" says the man.
"Long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet, yeah" says the shorter man turning around.
"Your what?"
"My long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet" he replies.
"Right, it won't last two seconds against my Rex. Outside. Now."
The shorter man shrugs and gets off his stool. The crowd don't follow, this time because they are scared to.
Once again no time at all seems to pass before the Rottweiller owner comes back. This time he is only holding a leash and a dog leg. He goes quitely to the table with his friend and they share more subued pints. The short man is given due respect by the crowd as he comes back in and sits down.
Later, a huge burly man thumps into the bar. He sees his two friends over by the table, walks over to chat, and sees them sad. There insues another whispered conversation, with occasional exclaimations of "Whippet?!"
The burl man strides over to the bar and taps the short man on his shoulder hard.
"I hear you have a dog you think is hot stuff, pal" he says.
"My long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet, yes" says the small man as he turns and shrugs.
"Your what?"
"My long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet"
"Yeah, whatever. My dog is part Bull-mastive, part Rottweiller, and part Shetland pony. It can rip a man's head clean off, and it will make short work of your..."
"Long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet" says the short man, shruging again.
"Right. Whatever. You wait right there, I'll be back!"
The crowd are getting interested again, but then get a shock shortly after when suddenly there is a thump at the door and this slavering maw is seen pressing up against the glass. It's like a scene from Jurassic Park, and everyone knows that only the huge bulk of the burly man must be stopping this thing from coming in and reeking havoc.
The short man finishes the half pint, jumps from his stool and walks out the other half of the door. After a moment there are lots of snarls and yells. Then suddeny there is silence.
The burly man doesn't come back in. The dog doesn't reappear. The short man walks back through the subdued crowd and sits back at the bar. The pub goes back to normal.
Later that evening the barman gets the courage to come up and talk to the small man.
"Quite a dog you must have there," he says hesitantly, "what was it again?"
"Its a long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet".
"A what?"
"A long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet."
"Yeah, that, I never heard of that breed before."
"Hmm," says the short man thinking for a while, "well I've heard other people call them crocodiles."
Man walks into a pub with his pet Alsatian. Seems uncharacteristically unfriendly, for which the man is quite pleased.
"Yup," he says to the gathering crowd, "this poor thing has been mistreated all its life, its an ill-tempted vicious thing, it can take on anything."
"Actually," says a voice close to the bar, "I have a whippet that could probably beat it in a fight."
The crowd and the man look over at a short unassuming man at the bar. The first man walks over.
"I'm sorry, a whippet could take on my dog?"
"Yeah, I have a long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet that probably could."
"A what?"
"A long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet"
The man looks in disbelieve, and the shorter man shrugs. "He's outside if you want to see?"
The first man nods, the Alsatian is pulling at the leash, and the two walk outside. The crowd don't bother following, as they don't particularly want to see a whippet being torn apart.
After no time at all a much more subdued Alsatian owner walks back in, almost having to drag a now three-legged subdued Alsatian behind him. He avoids eye contact with the crowd, finds a seat, and drinks a subdued pint in silence. The whippet owner walks in with a neutral face, shrugs at the crowd, then sits back at the bar.
A while later another man with the most ferocious Rottweiller imaginable comes in. The crowd give him a wide berth, and he instead walks over to his friend at the table.
"Bloody hell, what happened to your Alsatian!"
"...whippet..." is the sad reply through a pint glass as the first man points towards the bar. They have a brief conversation and the Rottweiller owner storms over to the bar.
"I hear your...whippet...attacked my friend's dog!" says the man.
"Long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet, yeah" says the shorter man turning around.
"Your what?"
"My long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet" he replies.
"Right, it won't last two seconds against my Rex. Outside. Now."
The shorter man shrugs and gets off his stool. The crowd don't follow, this time because they are scared to.
Once again no time at all seems to pass before the Rottweiller owner comes back. This time he is only holding a leash and a dog leg. He goes quitely to the table with his friend and they share more subued pints. The short man is given due respect by the crowd as he comes back in and sits down.
Later, a huge burly man thumps into the bar. He sees his two friends over by the table, walks over to chat, and sees them sad. There insues another whispered conversation, with occasional exclaimations of "Whippet?!"
The burl man strides over to the bar and taps the short man on his shoulder hard.
"I hear you have a dog you think is hot stuff, pal" he says.
"My long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet, yes" says the small man as he turns and shrugs.
"Your what?"
"My long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet"
"Yeah, whatever. My dog is part Bull-mastive, part Rottweiller, and part Shetland pony. It can rip a man's head clean off, and it will make short work of your..."
"Long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet" says the short man, shruging again.
"Right. Whatever. You wait right there, I'll be back!"
The crowd are getting interested again, but then get a shock shortly after when suddenly there is a thump at the door and this slavering maw is seen pressing up against the glass. It's like a scene from Jurassic Park, and everyone knows that only the huge bulk of the burly man must be stopping this thing from coming in and reeking havoc.
The short man finishes the half pint, jumps from his stool and walks out the other half of the door. After a moment there are lots of snarls and yells. Then suddeny there is silence.
The burly man doesn't come back in. The dog doesn't reappear. The short man walks back through the subdued crowd and sits back at the bar. The pub goes back to normal.
Later that evening the barman gets the courage to come up and talk to the small man.
"Quite a dog you must have there," he says hesitantly, "what was it again?"
"Its a long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet".
"A what?"
"A long nosed, long tailed, short legged whippet."
"Yeah, that, I never heard of that breed before."
"Hmm," says the short man thinking for a while, "well I've heard other people call them crocodiles."
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cowsmanaut
- Moo Master
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- Joined: Fri Jun 30, 2000 12:53 am
- Location: canada